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Monday, August 01, 2005

Lard Ass

Normally, when I think of an observation, it is a discovery I made with my eyes. Today, however, it was my nose that made a very unpleasant observation. I was sitting on the steps leading down to the subway platform at 57th Street and 6th Avenues, minding my own business and reading a book. The station was hot and steamy and the still air was stifling. This station for some reason has no benches, so I decided that I was going to sit down and risk a ticket (fine).

This proved very unfortunate for my nose. While I was sitting on the antepenultimate step, a woman with a rather large ass decided to lean against the hand rails. To be fair to the woman, describing her ass as quite large would not be doing her justice. It was enormous.

I would imagine that having such a large ass poses difficulties when it comes to wiping it. From the smell that rose up into my nose, I could tell that this was the case with this particular woman. Maybe the stall she defecated in was just too small for her to maneuver her girth and she just couldn’t wipe all the crap away. I am still struggling now to get the smell out of my olfactory sense as I ride home on the air conditioned train.

The smell reminded me of another and even more unpleasant experience I had with a lard ass back in my youth. This memory was safely buried away in the forgotten recesses of my mind until today.

It involved a neighbor who was also generous in his size. He was an electrician and a friend of the family. He was asked to come down to my house to help fix a problem we were having with a wire that delivered TV signals throughout the house. Unfortunately, the problematic wire happened to be in my bedroom.

To fix the wire, Mr. Lard Ass Electrician sat on my bed. He didn’t bother to move my pillow before he deposited his shit stinking ass on it. After he fixed the problem and departed, my pillow, the thing that I rested my head on each night, stunk like an overflowing cesspool in the heat of summer. I have no problem with people being fat, but if that is how you want to be, please do try to wipe your ass clean after you get off the bowl.


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