Guilt Trip

I am finally on my way to IMAZ. It is 8:26am and I am sitting at the America West gate waiting the final 1.5 hours until my flight leaves. My father dropped me off at the airport and I had a skycap handle my bike box and one very large suitcase. I have no idea how I will manage once I get to Phoenix since I don’t think I can manage the suitcase, bike box and carry on bag by myself. I followed the skycap until my bike box was taken to a special doorway for loading onto the flight. I am still very concerned that it will make it on the flight and arrive in one piece.

This morning was particularly painful to leave my house. My daughter was visibly upset that I was leaving. She woke up with a very sad face and cried all morning. My son, who was relatively stoic about me leaving also started to break down in tears when I was about to leave. Seeing both my children cry just as I am walking out the door is about the most crushing thing to my soul and psyche that can happen. I was already miserable about traveling by myself, knowing that I would miss my kids immensely.

On the way to the airport I mentioned to my father how the children were crying. He proceeded to tell me how perhaps I shouldn't be pursuing this racing stuff and start spending time with my children. How at this time in my kids life, I should be spending time with them and not wasting time doing things for my own gratification. Lastly, not being satisfied with the gapping wounds he was tearing through my mind and heart, he finishes his speech off by saying “Sophia asked grandma if she thinks her daddy loves her, why do you think she did that?”

This was such an unfortunate time for my father to be telling me such things; especially since I happened to be driving. I was about ready at this point to drive off a cliff and had we lived in the mountains, surely we would have been dead right now. Laying this guilt trip on me when I have already spent the last several weeks in a very stressful state is a situation that I would reserve for only my very best of enemies.