Heightened Sense of Awareness

Lately I’ve been experiencing a heightened sense of awareness. Where formerly I couldn’t see things that were patently obvious, I now see them clearly. It is like a dense fog has been lifted and I can clearly see my surroundings in a very long time.

With this new sense of awareness comes an infinitely increased sense of the passage of time. I can see and feel each second of my life passing by in a clarity that I have never experienced. I guess this is a curse and a blessing. It scares the crap out of me that I can sense the passing of time. On the other hand it makes me want to live in each moment with ferocity I have never felt before.

I also have this incredible feeling of déjà vu. So many things that I am thinking or writing gives me such a sense of having been done before. In a way I suppose it has. The world has had billions of people on it and I am sure there are others who have gone through what I am going through. So many people I am sure, that my feelings are almost cliché.

As I think of my newfound consciousness, I think of how it relates to my feelings of being an athlete. It is no secret to my friends and family that I have been questioning my commitment to pursuing Ironman again this year. Qualifying for Kona is still a goal I want to achieve, its just that I feel there are now other things I need to do.

If you want to see me go insane, lock me in a room and play the song “Cats in the Cradle” over and over again. I’ve hated that song with all my being ever since I can remember first hearing it. Sure it serves as a wake up call to those that might otherwise let the things that are important pass them by. However, it fills me with dread to the greatest extreme that I may be doing the same with my children. Yes I know this is irrational as I am most assuredly not doing so. However, the feelings it give me are no less real even though they are far from the reality.

If I do go again for Ironman this summer, it will have to be with the complete and total support of my family. I don’t know that I can do it alone this year as the fire for it is no longer inside me. The appropriate time and place for me to train and qualify for Kona will appear when it’s ready. Maybe now, maybe later.

I Have To, I Don’t Want To, But I Am Going To

How many times might have I told myself that while training for the Ironman? How many times have I told myself that when it came to waking up in order to get to my job? Is anything worth having in life, worth suffering for? If I don’t suffer throughout my training or work through the difficult times at work, would it be possible to complete the race or to raise a happy family in a nice home? I am hoping in a few years I can answer this question with a resounding yes.

Suffering is tough work. It is draining and can be all consuming. I am suffering now, but so far I have been able to manage it. I think god intended these moments so that you know you are alive. If you neither felt intense pleasure or pain would your life just be mundane? Maybe it is Darwin’s “survival of the fittest”; a modern day version of weeding out the weak. Am I strong enough to adapt to my environment and make the changes necessary for survival?

I have pointed out to others that I know for sure I am alive during the hours I am suffering in an Ironman event. If you quit during an Ironman is that not some form of suicide? I have done 3 Ironman events so far and while I have done them, not once did I give serious consideration to stopping until I finished. Perhaps I just need to look at my life as one long Ironman event that I will cherish dearly once I cross the finish line.

Monkey On My Back

We undergo all kinds of stress in our lives due to various causes. Sometimes it is just the mental kind where outside forces are making demands upon you. You must deliver and the stress of accomplishing the tasks can be very taxing. You also have physical stress that is encountered during training, racing, or fleeing from lions and tigers and bears Oh My!

Mental stress does also affect you physically and vice versa. How you handle it is often the key to success or failure. When failure is not an option, the levels of stress you reach can be quite staggering.

Of the two kinds of stress I am discussing, I find the mental kind to be much more debilitating. I think it breaks your body down just as assuredly as running all out for a marathon. It is the difference between a chronic physical breakdown and an acute physical breakdown. Both will break you down completely if you don’t alleviate the cause at some point. Unless you are running for your life, you can stop the physical stress at any time you want. Mental stress I find is much harder to control.

I’ve been undergoing a large amount of mental stress. It is making me sick to my stomach at times and has put a serious damper on my training. This stress is in the form of a monkey that is sitting on my back. I tried to take him off a couple of days ago, whereupon he started screaming and attacking me. He wanted to get back on my back and didn’t want to be set free. I need to find a way to take him off and make sure he sings and dances like an Organ Grinders monkey. Then perhaps I can move on with my life and I’ll be inspired to start training properly again.

Morning Star

I was greeted this morning with a crystalline clear sky. The sun was just below the horizon and I could make out a crescent shape of a nearby planet. I’ve never seen a planetary star appear so close and clear. My guess was Venus. I checked the daily almanac when I sat down to breakfast, which confirmed that my guess was correct.

I returned home in time to wake my daughter up and I told her what I saw this morning. She became immediately interested and pulled out her children’s encyclopedia to look up the solar system. We looked over her book and discussed the solar system over breakfast.

I wish I could say that my mind was as clear as the sky. It was really beautiful outside and the star was magnificent. I even pointed it out to a slow moving group of runners. One of them thanked me for doing so.

My mind however was swirling with negative thoughts, causing me to have a nervous filled stomach and an anxiety filled mind. I was completely disassociating from my run. I think disassociation while working out is a useful tool that let’s our minds relax a bit while our bodies are busy doing the work. I think its disassociation combined with the endorphin release that causes the feeling called runners high. However, in my case my runners high felt more like a bad LSD trip.

Several days ago I was discussing with my coach various things about my training and the subject of disassociation while running. I told him that generally speaking I rarely disassociate. He responded by saying that the best athletes in the world are always in touch with their body and rarely lose themselves to disassociation. I decided that this is what I needed to do this morning.

It took me about 3 miles to figure this out and by that time I was close to the point where I could turn in for home. I was almost defeated and started considering it when I made this realization. With a bit of annoyance at myself I continued on and tried to pick up my pace. I picked out a runner ahead of me and concentrated on catching her. Next I decided to try to up my pace. This worked for a while, but I started to get tired.

I was running a 3 mile loop and during the first go around, I decided to avoid an ice and snow covered path that I like to do since it gives me some extra hill climbing. I didn’t want to take a chance on slipping or twisting an ankle. On the second loop I decided to just go for it. There is nothing like have to concentrate on your footfalls on uneven terrain to keep you from disassociating. I figured maintaining mental health was more important at this point that worrying about a twisted ankle. I ran it without incident and then made it home a short time later.

The Scream

This weekend wasn’t the most productive for training. I’ve been very stressed out about a looming deadline for a project at work and I couldn’t escape from it during Saturday’s bike ride. I was riding with Todd and I eventually had to tell him I couldn’t ride on any longer. I was too stressed out and overcome with worry about the project and life in general.

I had mentioned to Todd earlier in the week, that I had been having a tough time as of late, so he suggested a couple of hours of bike riding followed by pancakes at his house. We didn’t quite get the couple of hours, but he did manage to get me to his house for the pancakes, which were delicious. I should point out that his lovely wife E cooked them. I don’t think Todd knows how to cook much more than stories about how he will beat me.

I felt very much the persona of Edvard Munch’s oil painting “The Scream”; a tortured soul lost in a non-existent existential world. My brain was literally screaming out for help and the medicine for that was a nice plate of pancakes.

Fully fed and calmed down, I rode back to my house where I promptly passed out on the ottoman of my couch. I was lying on it while watching my son watch TV and the next thing I knew I was asleep. My wife took the kids out for a few hours, while I took a short nap and worked on my project. I also shot my coach an email telling him I only rode 30 out of a planned 70 miles and explained why I couldn’t go on. I also told him to call me so I could ask his advice.

I spoke to him on Sunday morning, the day of the blizzard. His advice was very helpful and allowed me to focus clearly on what needed to be done and how I should proceed. It is great to have resources in the form of people you can count on. I think a coach for various parts of your life are essential at one time or another. I am lucky enough to have a coach that can advise me on my Triathlon goals and business goals as well.

His further advice that morning was for me to stay inside and do my run on the treadmill. I didn’t relish going 15 miles. He agreed that was a bit extreme and said to try for at least 10.

During my run I had the company of my children. I put the movie Robots on Pay Per View and I ran during the entire time. When the movie ended, I completed 9 miles and felt that was good enough. It was time for breakfast (pancakes again) and time to get ready to go sledding with the kids.

When I got to the park, I saw my friend Larry running the park loop in the snow. He called me to go with him, but I had just gotten off of my treadmill. I wished I was out there with him, but it needed to be a few hours earlier. It was sledding time.

My kids and I had a blast. We went on some really big hills and had fun burying each other in snow. I figured the trekking up and down the hill more than made up for my lost running mileage. We stayed out for close to 4 hours and it was a lot of fun.

Unfortunately when I got home I still had to shovel my sidewalk. It was a bit laborious and sapped the remainder of strength out of me. Soon after I ate dinner I was tired and ready to nod off. It wasn’t an altogether unpleasant feeling. I slept through the night last night without the aid of a sleeping pill in I don’t know how many years.

To Hades and Back

Email exchange between ST and Beast

Hey Todd -

Not sure I understand how to go back without looking back, but I understand about having to go back to Hades in order to get out of it. Thanks for sending it.

I am finally making a new blog entry which is why I am up so late. I am in a hotel in Melville Long Island and I have to leave here by 6:30-7am. The week is starting to pass and soon enough it will be years ago. I know at some point I will look back and say "What was so bad", because all I will remember was that during this time I felt such anguish and grief. Hopefully
at that time, my demons will have passed and I will have long forgotten what it is to feel such pain.

I probably won't be getting in many workouts this week. You should use that to your advantage to get an edge on me this summer. I am feeling somewhat better.

Beast
----- Original Message -----
From: "Todd
To: "Charles
Sent: Monday, February 13, 2006 10:20 PM
Subject: Hey Charles


I thought you might like to read this passage from a recent interview with Michel Butor (a great writer):

"We have to change our past in order to change our future. We must turn back and throw light on it to see it in a new way. What we need is archeology around and in ourselves.

There is a strong link between inspiration and childhood. When Proust wanted to experience a new childhood and become a writer, he had to go back to his first childhood. Things forgotten wait in the library of your mind.

It is a question of having to look back ward and yet not go backward at the same time. To free Euridyce from Hades, Orpheus was forbidden to look back at her and when he did, he lost her. Almost the same legend can be found in the Bible. It is the story of Lot's wife, who, when fleeing Sodom, looked back and was transformed into a pillar of salt. We have to be able to look forward, but to bring back Euridyce you have to go back to Hades. It was a very powerful memory, which was at the origin of the journey to hell. We always have to descend into hell in order to got out of it. It's also an open cycle."

- An Interview with Michel Butor

Ran Out of Run

I ran out of run this morning about 1.2 miles into a scheduled 6 mile run. That was ok though, as the most important thing I did was get out of the door. My most important concern at this moment is my mental well being and getting outside seems to help tremendously.

I took a couple of days off training over the past two weeks and each time I did, I was a depressed nervous wreck for the remainder of the day. I figured the first time was a fluke, but when I took another day off and I felt even worse that day, I knew I had to concentrate on doing something everyday.

The key word in the previous sentence is “something”. This doesn’t necessarily mean training all out or training with a specific goal in mind. As a matter of fact, I can honestly say I no longer care about Ironman. If I do it, I do it, but as of this minute I have no inclination to put myself through another Ironman training regimen. I am only concerned with doing something.

This could all change in the future as I am slowly able to build up my volume. Perhaps with increased volume will come an increased desire to train for something hard. My friend Super Todd likes to kid me about how he will beat me at this year’s IM. Right now Todd you are going to have to go it alone as I don’t think I will be there. Something dramatic and inspirational must happen to me for those juices to start flowing. It is time for me to start taking baby steps again before I begin to run. You may have to wait another year for an attempt at reclaiming the title of “Number 1 Ironman Triathlete of Brooklyn”.

82 Miles

I dusted off my tri bike on Saturday morning; an Aegis Victory which has carried me through 3 Ironman races. My coach scheduled me for 70 miles and I decided that if I was going to ride that long I wanted to be fast, comfortable and feel like a triathlete. I could notice the difference in ride from my road bike the moment I got on it. The Aegis fits me perfectly and the ride is smooth and responsive. It makes my road bike feel like it’s constructed from sewer pipe.

I varying rode alone, in a paceline and then with Todd. The ride was pleasant enough and the miles peeled off snappily at an 18.5 mph pace. Todd rode with me for about 30 miles which left me with about 10 miles to complete on my own. I finished a 72 mile ride in about three hours, fifty minutes.

Today I had company for my 10 mile run from start to finish. My daughter after some waffling decided that she wanted to go with me when she saw me heading for the door. I guess the encouraging her to accompany me without pressuring her is working.

I let her lead the run throughout Prospect Park and we explored just about every trail. We had to stop about a dozen times in order for me to carry her bike up or down stairs. It is clear that Prospect Park was designed with little regard to people with disabilities. I could tell that she is getting stronger. She was able to make it up every hill with minimal assistance and only asked to stop 1 time to take a drink. Other than stopping for some stair climbing we held a very crisp pace. My average HR for the day was 144 (78%) with my max reaching 167 (90%).

At the end of the ride, she was complaining that her butt was a little sore. I wonder if they make bike shorts for 8 year olds. If it wasn’t for that, she said she would have gone longer. We shall see; I think I have a 15 mile run scheduled next weekend.

Peace and Quiet

I gave up my workout this morning, although my coach told me to get something in tonight. We will have to see. I didn’t get home from work until 7pm and I was ravenously hungry. No way could I run without first eating.

The workout was missed because I got to bed late last night. My wife and I had to take my father home from the hospital where he just had a fribulator/pacemaker installed. When we got back home, it was just before 10pm. I felt that my wife wanted me to watch a TV show with her so I obliged, especially considering she has been very supportive over the past couple of weeks while I've been struggling through some inner demons. We watched Project Runway on Bravo. It was interesting, but not worth missing a needed hour of sleep; the hour I needed to get in the workout this morning.

When we got to the hospital to collect my father he was in a bit of pain at the incision area and also developed a case of gout in his ankle. He was a bit crotchety from all of the procedures and just wanted to go home. He says he regrets it having it done, but that could be because they told him he must cut out his daily consumption of scotch. I told him to just take vicodin instead of alcohol. He likes his drink to relax.

He wasn’t keen on Vicodin, so I then suggested pot and asked him if he ever smoked it. He said the last time he did was the day before my 7th birthday. He was with some friends away from home and he called my mother to tell her that he may not be able to make it home for my birthday party, so she would have to take handle all of the arrangements. Her reply was that if he didn't make it home, I wasn't having a party. That might have been the last time he smoked pot, but I also seem to recall my 7th birthday saw my last birthday party. It was just as well, as my parents hated each other. No wonder why I like to get out the door to train by myself for hours. It is how I learned to get some peace and quiet.

Your Greatest Obstacle

I heard somewhere that a goldfish has a memory that only lasts about two seconds. Now wouldn’t that be handy at times? Unpleasant experiences would only be remembered for two seconds before you forgot all about them, never to have the memory of the unpleasant moment bother you again. What is the sum of all our experiences, except for the memory of them?

If you were offered a vast sum of wealth (millions of dollars, real estate, jewels, etc.) would you undergo 24 hours of the most hideous torture you could imagine? Now ask yourself the same question if you were told you would have absolutely no memory of it. All you would know after it was over was that you were rich, but you wouldn’t know why. This might not seem so bad. After all, if you have no memory of it, would it really have happened?

I recently purchased two bubble eyed goldfish for my daughter. She named them Bubbles and Fizz. We have them in a custom made fish tank that sits inside a birdcage (side note: why is “fish tank” two words, but “birdcage” one word?). I find it amazing that these fish never have the feeling of being caged, since the moment the thought occurs to them, they already forgot about it.

Unfortunately, humans mostly remember their unpleasant experiences for the remainder of their lives. Sometimes these thoughts pop up at unexpected moments and cause all sorts of neurosis. Like Hawkeye in an episode of M.A.S.H when he got a whiff of something that smelled like a wet burlap sack.

While training for Ironman, you are often left alone with nothing but your thoughts for long stretches at a time. Unless you are an eternally optimistic and upbeat person, I don’t think you can keep unpleasant thoughts from invading your mind while you struggle against fatigue, fear, and hunger. I think the key at these moments is
taking these thoughts and channeling them into another emotion. For me, that emotion is often anger which allows me to burn out the plaguing memories. Maybe that is why I train for endurance sports… to work out those memories that so plague me.

What do you do though when fear and anxiety are such that it is crippling in your ability to go on? Perhaps that is the greatest test of all as you are forced to reach down and overcome your greatest obstacle… Yourself.