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Thursday, July 07, 2005

Thoughts of Death

Lately my son has been obsessed with thoughts of me dying. I think these thoughts were a slow buildup from the time that his pet lizard died. He keeps asking me why we have to die, when am I going to die and am I going to die. I just keep trying to reassure him that I am not about to die.

This morning, the conversation around the breakfast table was once again, when I would die. I said that it wouldn’t be for a very long time, possibly not until I was at least 100 years old. My daughter quickly calculated this to be in only 60 more years. For my son, this was not nearly long enough into the future for him. I tend to agree. I told him that I simply refuse to die. I am also hoping this will not be the case during the run am the upcoming Ironman Lake Placid.

Speaking of death, it strikes me that there are forms of death other than physical. It wasn’t that long ago, that I was suffering a form of brain death while I was preparing for Ironman Arizona. I recently came across an email I wrote to my cousin regarding my feelings at my previous job. I was a bit surprised when I read it. Here it is:


From: Beast
Sent: 3/9/2005 3:28 PM
To: K

I think I will have a good race. Perhaps not a Kona qualifying race, but nevertheless a good one. This is not pessimistic, just realistic. But you never know. I will continue Searching... for the Kona spot.

Yes it is miserable here. Worse than working in a coal mine in the early part of the century before they invented dust masks. Instead of coal particles giving me black lung, I am absorbing negative energy that is turning my soul black. Soon it will be coated with such a morass of foulness that surely it will sink down to hell due to the weight.

The worst thing about this stressful and foul work environment, is that it saps my strength to think clearly. I know I need to improve the situation, but I am left with not enough energy to make any moves, much less think of any moves to a better situation.

I guess that's why people go postal - like those chimpanzees.

I am so glad I am out of that company. I feel as though I am reborn – so far from death. I am in the best shape of my life and getting ready to qualify for Kona. I am confident and feel so alive. Hopefully my son will catch some of the energy coming from me, and forget about thoughts of death.


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